jeudi 31 juillet 2008

Philippe le Bon !

31 Juillet ! Nous y sommes ! C'est aujourd'hui l'anniversaire du plus prestigieux de nos ducs : Philippe le Bon; Oui car si Philippe le Hardi fût la naissance du duché, si Jean sans Peur en marqua la jeunesse, Philippe le Bon en fût sans doute l'âge d'or (et Charles le Téméraire le chant du cygne, qui par sa fin tragique éleva notre histoire au rang de légende).
J'insiste sur la date; le 31 juillet, contrairement à ce qui est écrit sur wikipedia (sauf dans les langues étrangères, comme par hasard) ! On voudrait manipuler notre histoire qu'on ne s'y prendrait pas autrement, mais navré pour vous messieurs de la propagande, il ne suffit pas de tricher un peu avec internet pour falsifier la vérité, qui vous reviendra tôt ou tard comme un boomerang en pleine poire (poire que pour ma part je me fendrai en assistant à ce spectacle).
Mais parlons plutôt de Philippe le Bon (à ne pas confondre avec Philippe Lebon, l'inventeur du bec de gaz).


Philippe le Bon, donc !
Philippe III de Bourgogne, dit Philippe l'asseuré de son vivant !
Philippe le Bon !
Philippe le Bon !
Philippe !
Phil !
P !

Excusez-moi mais je ne me lasse jamais d'écrire ce nom, plus lumineux pour moi que le soleil ! Plus riche en espoir que tous les partis politiques de l'Histoire ! Plus enivrant même que le vin et plus sucré que la vanille verte des antilles espagnoles !

Philippe le Bon !

Il devint duc en 1419 après l'odieux assassinat de son père Jean Sans Peur. Traumatisé, ce cruel évènement lui ouvrit néanmoins les yeux sur l'infinie turpitude du cloaque mucilagineux sur qui régnait Charles VI (je ne m'abaisserait pas à citer ce pays que j'abhorre, mais je vous donnerai un indice en vous disant que son drapeau est tricolore). Pour ne jamais oublier ce jour fatal il se vêtit de noir toute sa vie. Pour se venger, le premier acte politique qu'il fit fût de détruire la France. Oui vous m'avez bien lu (les français ne s'en vantent guère forcément, mais en la Bourgogne détruisit bien la France). Comment s'y prit-il ? Rien de plus simple, il s'allia aux anglais et força le roi à signer le traité de Troyes le 21 mai 1420 qui donnait l'héritage de la couronne au roi d'Angleterre, le débonnaire Henri V (dont les aventures ont été narrées par un jeune poète britanique injustement sous estimé, qui n'est pas, à mon goût, sans disposer d'un petit talent de plume tout à fait convenable pour un buveur de thé, et qui se voit affublé du truculent patronyme de William Shakespeare). Le dauphin tenta ensuite de regagner son royaume à l'aide d'une pucelle semie hystérique, que Philippe le Bon captura pour la livrer aux anglais qui en vérifièrent avec succès la combustibilité. On oublie trop souvent le rôle joué par la Bourgogne dans cette affaire, et je m'étonne d'ailleurs que le club de basket ball dijonnais ait choisi le nom de cette vierge (Jeanne d'Arc donc, pour ceux qui ne disposeraient pas de la culture la plus élémentaire et qui doivent de ce fait avoir un peu de mal à suivre l'intégralité de mes fines allusions historiques). Voilà un point qu'il faudra corriger quand la Bourgogne sera libérée (certes ce n'est pas la chose la plus urgente, mais ne négligeons rien).

La JDA, par son nom, fait honte à la crémation de Jeanne d'Arc, et donc à Philippe le Bon.

On connaît la suite de l'histoire, la Bourgogne profita de la guerre de Cent ans pour s'enrichir considérablement, Philippe le Bon devint le plus grand souverain d'Europe, ses fastes inégalés écrasèrent jusqu'au trépas toute trace de mesquinerie dans notre beau pays, il négocia la fin de la Guerre de Cent Ans en quittant l'alliance anglaise pour récupérer des territoires du Nord (sa principale erreur selon moi), la Bourgogne devint le pays le plus éblouissant de l'histoire de l'humanité et caetera et caetera... On sait déjà tout cela n'est-ce pas ?

Philippe le Bon avec la coupe au bol.
No coment.

Je voudrais insister ici sur un aspect un peu trop négligé de sa personnalité : sa lubricité frénétique !
Oui car si Jean sans Peur aimait le vin, lui ce n'était pas son truc (il avait même prohibé l'ivresse à sa table, ce qui ne l'empêchait pas d'en distribuer abondamment au peuple lors des grandes fêtes).
Non, lui ce qu'il aimait c'est foutre ! Foutre, foutre et encore foutre (pardon pour le langage, mais ici seuls les mots un peu grossiers peuvent nous donner un aperçu un peu authentique de son caractère).
Philippe le Bon adorait foutre. Il foutait le matin, il foutait le soit, il foutait le jour, il foutait la nuit, il foutait avant de manger, il foutait après les repas, parfois même il foutait en mangeant.
Avait-il 5 minutes à patienter ? Il foutait !
L'envie de lire un livre ? Il foutait !
L'envie de prier ? Il foutait !
L'envie de baiser ? Il foutait ! (mais là c'est moins surprenant).
Songez qu'on lui connut officiellement trente maîtresses et qu'il se maria trois fois (les deux premières ne survécurent pas à ses osés assauts sexuels insatiables).
Personne mieux que lui n'incarnât l'amour à la bourguignonne !
Et sachez que son surnom de "Le Bon" lui fût d'abord donné par des femmes, il avait alors une toute autre signification sur laquellle je crois inutile d'insister pour ne pas sombrer davantage dans la trivialité.
Aussi messieurs (je ne m'adresse pas aux femmes car je sais qu'il n'y en a aucune hélas dans mon lectorat) , pour son anniversaire, je ne connais pas de meilleur hommage à lui rendre que d'imiter ce soir son glorieux exemple libidineux.

137 commentaires:

Vercingetorix a dit…

Cette activité sexuelle lui valut une abondante descendance, on lui connaît officiellement dix-huit bâtards, bien que ce nombre soit probablement beaucoup plus élevé.
On sait en outre que son arrière-arrière petit fils n'était autre que Charles Quint, voilà qui peut laisser espérer aux sosies de ce dernier de compter parmi les descendants de ces bâtards illégitimes.
Mais j'écris ça à tout hasard !

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Je viens de découvrir ton blog et il me semble fort passionnant! Je m'attèle de ce pas à le parcourir avidement! Et juste histoire de te contredire un petit peu, tu as aussi un lectorat féminin, j'en suis la preuve! XD

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